What I Need My Partner to Say to Me During Labor & Delivery

Bonjour!

One of the reasons I knew my spouse was The One was his sense of humor. L’Husband is funny and lighthearted, a classic class clown and jokey jokemaker, which suits his easygoing personality and balances my tendency to be a little Uptight.

C’est vrai: At least fifty percent of our conversations are based on quotations from our favorite movies, television shows, and comedy sketches. (A certain percentage is also dedicated, for now, to Le Chien‘s bathroom habits.)

As we approach bébé’s Due Day and I am feeling all 39 weeks of my pregnancy, I’m thinking about the marathon of labor and delivery. Specifically, how best to try to be mindful and manage the stress and pain, complicated further by the pandemic and my county’s fun new designation as high risk in Illinois as COVID cases rise again (le sigh).

Yes, I took a “prepared childbirth” class online via the hospital where I will deliver (the same hospital where I was born, lo these many years ago!). Yes, my hospital bag is ready with lip balm and lavender spray and a handheld fan. Yes, I tried to practice self-care during pregnancy. Yes, I am banking on that epidural and sweet, sweet pain medication (there are no heroes in childbirth, people).

But I know what I really need: L’Husband at my side, holding my hand and making me laugh with quips about labor and babies. Who needs a doula when you have someone ready to act totally ridiculous to distract you (le wink)? Take that, Big Maternity!

Sidebar: I am very fortunate and grateful to have a partner support me through la maternité, childbirth, and parenting. L’Husband is the main reason I haven’t completely lost my mind (pregnancy brain + COVID brain = good luck with that). Not everyone, by choice or circumstance, has a partner during these journeys, and I appreciate my situation.

Et voilà, what L’Husband must say to me during childbirth, lest he be rent in twain by wolves:

During Labor

“Can I just spray a little Pam down there right before the baby comes out?” – Baby Mama, 2012

“Do not make her laugh, else it’ll just shoot out like a cannon ball!” – Spiceworld, 1997

[Reacting to midwife pulling out a turkey baster]: “We’re not frying chicken!!” – Big Momma’s House, 2000

“It feels like I’m shitting a knife!” – Baby Mama, 2012

“Why does it look like that?!” – “The Day You Were Born” feat. Amy Schumer, Saturday Night Live (S4, E2, 2015)

During and After Delivery

“It’s a beetroot!” – Spiceworld, 1997

“Oh, that’s disgusting! I think I got amniotic sac in my mouth!” – Penguins of Madagascar, 1997

And my favorite on-screen birth moment of all time, from the “When It Rains, It Pours” episode of 30 Rock (S5, E2, 2005):

Tracey Jordan: “Why is that baby covered with goop?!”

Dr. Spaceman: “Because everything about this is disgusting!!”

In all seriousness, though, I know L’Husband will be a calm, reliable, and stalwart labor coach. Because I’ve threatened him with death otherwise.

What new experience are you planning and anticipating this year?

Merci for reading and please subscribe and share!

À votre santé,

Katie